Fighting through the storm.

You know when everything inside of you is slowly crumbling and you feel as though, if something doesn't change soon, your insides will just dissolve, you'll be left empty, not just feeling empty. But literally. So you lay on your bed for ages thinking of who you could talk to, who you could pour your inner thoughts out to.

"Who would possibly understand? I wouldn't know where to begin. They'd think I'm just being silly and crying over nothing. They'd tell me to, "Get a grip girl." Yeah. You start wondering if your troubles are even worth telling, if your words mean anything, if your thoughts have a point. You tell yourself that if you even begin to open up and pour everything out that the words would turn into sobs and that once that first tear drop falls, you won't be able to stop.

So what do you do? You curl up into a ball and hide your face, you lay there with your head buried in your bedding, and the material is left to soak up your tears. You try to stay quiet and not let anyone hear you crying because you don't want to give a reason why. You feel hopeless and that everything is lost and your world is just completely collapsed before you and you cant seem to get back up and start walking again. You think, "What is the point?"

You do nothing and spend days just staying at home, not wanting to see anyone. Not bothering about your outward appearance because you think, "What's the point?" When people at home talk to you, you try and just act normal and keep laking so that they won't suspect the slightest thing wrong. You smile too much for fear of them seeing you sigh or look even the slightest upset. and you don't realise that that's just making things worse.

 

Sometimes all you can do is wait. Ever been in this situation? I have, and I've learnt that for me, I can't go and tell somebody what's going on inside because i haven't had that person to go and talk to. Sad i know. But, that's ok, we have to remember that these times only make us stronger. We always always get through them, somehow we manage to push forward. We have to. When were in that place that we cannot get any further down, the only other way is up. Though that seems a whole blur at the time. But we have to. We do. Always. Stay strong.

Fully consumed

 

>>>Over the past few months, I've just begin to realise how much i want and need more of God. So many times i put other things in the way, things that causes blockages, stopping me from getting closer to God, not intentionally, but without even knowing. But i just can't do that any more.

 

I'm tired of just going round in the same cycle, one week getting really excited and fired up about God and living the right way for him, then the next week, having a bit of a downer and doing things that perhaps aren't quite pleasing God and binging glory to his name. I don't wanna be like that anymore, i don't want to do it anymore.

 

I just want so much more of God, i cant even explain. I love him so so so so so much, i want to be completely consumed by him and full of him! I want him to be my absolute everything. I want my whole life to be about and for him. Everything! Instead of relying on people, i want to rely and should be relying fully on God.

 

As my tears begin to fall as i write this and as they have many times before, i offer them to God, asking him to take them and see that they are real, from my heart. I just love him sooo much and want to be sooo much closer. He's so amazing and he's done so much for me and so many other people. The least i can do is fully surrender my life to him.

 

I love you Lord, thank you for this life and help me to glorify your name more and more. Fill me up God. xox

 

P.s A huge thank you to Hannah for guest posting on my blog! Love you!!